toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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