I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
