new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
