But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
