The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
