Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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