HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
