dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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