I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
