My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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