A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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