Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
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Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize