So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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