I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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