What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
