why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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