my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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