I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They took my balls.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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