I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
