The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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