why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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