I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
