who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
