Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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