The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
