Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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