fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
