How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
