Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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