i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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