I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
