The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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