i already hear my dad disowning me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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