Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
