i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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