Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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