so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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