I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
