What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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