i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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