What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
