if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
