This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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