Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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