ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
as a side note pls kill me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
