i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
