he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
