My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
3pm strippers are depressing
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
