just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
