...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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