I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
