need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
