There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
