if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
