guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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