I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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