We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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