I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
