An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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