My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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