Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
