This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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