Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
